Book Review: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project (New York: Penguin House, 1999)
by Marilyn Edelson

This book is not new, yet it is always relevant. In this brilliant publication of the Harvard Negotiation Project, that gave us the highly recognized Getting to Yes!, the bible of the art of mediation, we learn the nuances of conversation and how to deal with some of the stuck places.

The authors describe three levels to all conversation:

1. The "What happened" conversation (complexity/ right-wrong)
2. The Feelings conversation (emotional charge/whose really count?)
3. The Identity conversation (threat to our identity/ competent vs. incompetent, lovable vs. not lovable, good vs. bad/ no in-between)

If you ever wondered why you and your spouse or partner have ridiculous arguments about taking out the trash or your boss just doesn’t understand how overloaded you really are, consider that even the most seemingly mundane conversation contains many invisible dynamics.

I know the trash example is stereotypic, so please excuse me but hopefully it’s an easy one to see. On the surface it seems simple: tomorrow is trash day and someone needs to do it (What Happens). But you already feel your partner is lazy, not carrying his weight at home and you’re angry. Your partner thinks you are selfish and unfair. You should know he had a hard day and be more understanding (The Feelings). On the Identity level, you might feel, you had a hard day at work, too, plus you picked up the kids at day care and cooked dinner. It’s the least he could do. You never get enough help. He, however, might feel you’re emasculating him because he didn’t get that raise you both were counting on and he feels not “good enough” at the moment (Identity).

The basic premise of the book is that we don’t have to get stuck on any level. By learning to shift to a learning stance and focus on inquiry, i.e. learning each others’ story, understanding each person’s contribution and reframing the problem into a third story, mutually agreeable solutions can be found. The authors provide a clear and methodical process for doing so. All we need to do is the hard part and bring our commitment to using it.

Other related books:
Roger Fisher and William Ury. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Houghton Mifflin, 1981.
Deborah Kolb. The Shadow Negotiation: How Women Can Master the Hidden Agendas That Determine Bargaining Success. Simon and Schuster, 2000.
William Ury. Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People. 1991.

© 2005 OnTrack Coaching & Consulting, Inc. All rights reserved.